Confession: I’m Struggling Too

Our living room ceiling

You’re broken.

These words gently echoed inside my head as I laid down on our living room floor gasping for air. I took a break from doing a set of crunches and just stared at the ceiling letting the words sink in.

“I am broken. Kalvin, you’re broken!” I whispered to myself.

Then the most unexpected thing happened. I laughed out loud like a maniac!  With each triumphant “ha” making my non-existent abs ache.

I found joy at that moment because finally, I have embraced the truth that everything is not right within me. I’m like a car with a loose gear trying to move forward in bad traffic. Accepting and owning my brokenness prompted me to go inside my heart and apply much-needed self-love to the parts that I have forgotten and neglected. Self-love can take little getting used to, and it may sting a little bit, but it has a promise of healing and of peace.

My journey during this pandemic has not been easy for me emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. You may see positive and fun posts coming from me but don’t be fooled, I’m struggling too. I’ve nearly lost myself to anxiety, I’ve almost completely shut myself off from the world, and I’ve countlessly rocked back and forth between faith and doubt. I’ve had many okay days, not so okay days, and days where I sit in the middle of the two. What kept me going was clinging to an unexplainable piece of hope, honest conversations, and a little bit of exercise.

How about you? How are you feeling? Are you ok?  

Wherever you are, whatever you’re feeling, and whatever situation you are in don’t lose sight of hope. Maybe you’re also being invited to go inside your own brokenness too. Don’t be afraid to do what you need to do to heal. Go take that sick leave, say no, delete your social media apps, start exercising –anything!

Life can be messy right now but it can’t take your hope from you. So hang in there and believe that breakthrough is still coming.

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